The Suckfest Continues

In just a few short hours, I am heading off for one of my all-time favorite tests: the pelvic ultrasound. Not the kind you see on TV—usually done on a very pregnant woman—where they slather that goo on your lower abdomen and look through your body with a device that looks kind of like an old-fashioned electric razor but is actually a transducer.

Actually, I'm having that test, too. It's just not my all-time favorite.

That distinction falls to the transvaginal pelvic ultrasound. This is the little slice of torture in which the doctor or technician looks inside your body with a specially shaped transducer that looks nothing like an old-fashioned electric razor. What is looks like, in fact, is an old-fashioned vibrator.

I am pleased to report that it does not, however, vibrate. (Others who have been down this road might be displeased about this, I realize.)

The first time I had this test, several years ago, the technician explained everything very carefully so I'd know what to expect. When she got to the part about the specially shaped transducer (SST) and how it would feel when she inserted it, she said something to the effect of, "It's just like a tampon."

Ahem.

It is most definitely not just like a tampon.

Unless, of course, your body is on the same scale as, say, King Kong.

What makes the SST even more appealing (impossible, you say?) is that before it is put to use, it is dressed in a condom and then slathered with that same goo.

Trust me when I say that no amount of guided imaging or meditation or small talk with the technician can distract you from the presence of the SST.

Especially when the technician has to manipulate it so that he or she can see your innards from various angles. Soooo comfortable!

Just so you know that I am not being a big baby about the whole thing, I had to have transvaginal ultrasounds every single day for about a week during our round of IVF.

But that was four whole months ago, and, well, I haven't missed them.

This time around, I'm having the ultrasound done as a precursor to surgery. Back in January, I wrote about the cool new estrogen-blocking drugs called aromatase inhibitors that I will start taking now that I am done with chemo. I also wrote about the fact that while those drugs are great at blocking estrogen, there is a critical caveat to their power: like Superman with kryptonite, aromatase inhibitors are powerless in the face of the subset of estrogen that is produced by the ovaries. That means, in superhero-speak, that I have to neutralize my ovaries in order for the wonder drugs to work.

So next Thursday, I will go in for what should be a short outpatient procedure, done laparascopically, to remove both my ovaries and my Fallopian tubes.

There's more to the story, of course, and I promise to tell it.

Just as soon as I get back from my date with the SST.