What I Should Have Said
There was a new security guard at the Health Services building on Friday. And this time by "security guard" I mean 18-year-old, iPod-wearing, bored-out-of-her-skull undergrad. Or friend of undergrad. Or something.
Once again, I got the I-know-you're-trying-to-get-away-with-something-even-if-I-can't-tell-what-it-is vibe when I asked to for access to the elevator.
Let's just say that the ensuing exchange was somewhat less productive than the one I had a couple of weeks ago. This one featured the 18-year-old accusing me of giving her attitude.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
It matters not. In the end, I rode the elevator. But here's what I should have said:
Scenario I
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: You're not in a wheelchair or anything.
Me: And you're not in a uniform and don't look like you could defend a pint of ice cream from a motivated four-year-old, but I'm playing along and treating you like a security guard, aren't I?
Scenario II
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: You need the elevator?
Me: Wait, you must be a philosophy major. Hmm. Do I need the elevator? If you mean "need" in the sense that you need earphones and a slack-jawed expression in order to make it through the day, why then yes. Yes, I do.
Scenario III
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: Why do you need the elevator?
Me: I haven't been to an amusement park all summer, and I really want to go on a ride.
Scenario IV
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: Yeah, right. I don't think so.
Me: Pleeeease?? See, this is a preposterously plotted action film, and the only way I will be able to pull off the big heist is to overpower the unwitting Health Services nurse who unlocks the elevator so that I can grab the key and then take her hostage when I make my daring escape. Of course, if you'd like to be my hostage instead. . . .
Scenario V
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: Can't you just take the stairs?
Me: Sure, if that's easier. You're going to carry me up the two flights, right?
Once again, I got the I-know-you're-trying-to-get-away-with-something-even-if-I-can't-tell-what-it-is vibe when I asked to for access to the elevator.
Let's just say that the ensuing exchange was somewhat less productive than the one I had a couple of weeks ago. This one featured the 18-year-old accusing me of giving her attitude.
Maybe I did.
Maybe I didn't.
It matters not. In the end, I rode the elevator. But here's what I should have said:
Scenario I
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: You're not in a wheelchair or anything.
Me: And you're not in a uniform and don't look like you could defend a pint of ice cream from a motivated four-year-old, but I'm playing along and treating you like a security guard, aren't I?
Scenario II
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: You need the elevator?
Me: Wait, you must be a philosophy major. Hmm. Do I need the elevator? If you mean "need" in the sense that you need earphones and a slack-jawed expression in order to make it through the day, why then yes. Yes, I do.
Scenario III
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: Why do you need the elevator?
Me: I haven't been to an amusement park all summer, and I really want to go on a ride.
Scenario IV
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: Yeah, right. I don't think so.
Me: Pleeeease?? See, this is a preposterously plotted action film, and the only way I will be able to pull off the big heist is to overpower the unwitting Health Services nurse who unlocks the elevator so that I can grab the key and then take her hostage when I make my daring escape. Of course, if you'd like to be my hostage instead. . . .
Scenario V
Me: Hi. I need to take the elevator up to Health Services.
Absurdly Empowered Teen Security Guard: Can't you just take the stairs?
Me: Sure, if that's easier. You're going to carry me up the two flights, right?
posted by Jody Rosen Knower at 7:43 AM
2 Comments:
THANK YOU...you just brought back a childhood memory I'd long forgotten, MAD's "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions." Well done!
hilarious...can't wait til you write the play!
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