Cold Turkey
It's not definitive—the lab results are still pending—but the lovely and kind rheumatologist's best guess ("If someone put a gun to my head and I had to give a diagnosis right now . . . .") is that I'm going through estrogen withdrawal.
I didn't even know one could be an estrogen addict.
Heroin? Crack? Alcohol? Tobacco? Gambling? Foreign oil?
Yup. Sure. Absolutely. Yes. Of course. You betcha.
But estrogen?
It's like some sort of bad joke.
Do I have to go to meetings now?
"Hi, I'm Jody, and I'm an estrogen addict."
Is there a 12-step program for people like me?
Why haven't I heard of this before? Where are all of the magazine covers sporting headlines like, "Exclusive! Confessions of an Estrogen Junkie" over photos of disgraced celebrities?
Where are the infomercials hawking herbal supplements guaranteed to decrease estrogen cravings?
Why hasn't Big Pharma come up with an estrogen patch?
How come I haven't heard anything about the rise in estrogen-related crimes?
Or seen the latest public-service announcements? ("This is your brain." Ssssizzle. "This is your brain on estrogen.")
Where are all of the athletes being disqualified for estrogen doping?
The fashion industry must have gotten wind of this by now.
Just you wait.
There will be "estrogen chic" all over the runways this fall.
You'll be able to tell because instead of hobbling down the catwalk in orthopedic shoes, the models will be sauntering down in four-inch, architecturally engineered stilettos, wearing what will look to the untrained eye like vapid expressions but will actually be a classic sign of estrogen-fueled euphoria.
You heard it here first.
I didn't even know one could be an estrogen addict.
Heroin? Crack? Alcohol? Tobacco? Gambling? Foreign oil?
Yup. Sure. Absolutely. Yes. Of course. You betcha.
But estrogen?
It's like some sort of bad joke.
Do I have to go to meetings now?
"Hi, I'm Jody, and I'm an estrogen addict."
Is there a 12-step program for people like me?
Why haven't I heard of this before? Where are all of the magazine covers sporting headlines like, "Exclusive! Confessions of an Estrogen Junkie" over photos of disgraced celebrities?
Where are the infomercials hawking herbal supplements guaranteed to decrease estrogen cravings?
Why hasn't Big Pharma come up with an estrogen patch?
How come I haven't heard anything about the rise in estrogen-related crimes?
Or seen the latest public-service announcements? ("This is your brain." Ssssizzle. "This is your brain on estrogen.")
Where are all of the athletes being disqualified for estrogen doping?
The fashion industry must have gotten wind of this by now.
Just you wait.
There will be "estrogen chic" all over the runways this fall.
You'll be able to tell because instead of hobbling down the catwalk in orthopedic shoes, the models will be sauntering down in four-inch, architecturally engineered stilettos, wearing what will look to the untrained eye like vapid expressions but will actually be a classic sign of estrogen-fueled euphoria.
You heard it here first.
posted by Jody Rosen Knower at 8:31 PM
1 Comments:
Jody,
Your sense of humor about the various traumas that your body continues to endure is amazing. I look forward to checking in with you each morning. This post was so funny that I read it to Wesley as an example of how you take the complete opposite of the "woe is me" spin on all your medical news. We have a neighbor who is definitely a "woe is me...and let me tell you ALL about my woe" type of guy.
Now that the doctor has an idea, I'm praying that there is either a quick and painless remedy that puts estrogen back into your body or an end in sight to the withdrawal symptoms as your body learns to live without the perpetual high of estrogen!
I'm looking forward to the post that tells me that you are up and about and all joints and limbs are doing what they should be...and doing those things quickly, competently and painlessly.
Cathy
p.s. what's the status on your eyebrows and lashes???
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