Your Tax Dollars at Work

This week's mail brought a cheerful document called "Your Social Security Statement," signed by Commissioner Michael J. Astrue and "Prepared especially for Jody R. Knower."

Oooh. I'm all a-tingle!

Besides giving a recap of my earnings since high school, the statement confirms that I have amassed enough credits to qualify for various benefits.

For example, I'm already guaranteed to qualify for Medicare once I hit age 65 (assuming Medicare still exists at that point).

And I already qualify for disability benefits—if I suffer a disability, that is. The Social Security Administration is a bit eager on this front:

"If you become disabled right now"—right now? while I'm reading this happy missive?—"your payment would be about $1,856 a month." (My total earnings for last year were so low that this would actually be a significant raise.)

But here's the best part:

"You have earned enough credits for your family to receive survivors benefits." (Missing apostrophe, anyone?) "If you die this year—"

Why does this sound like some kind of sales pitch? Act now and take advantage of this special offer!

I'd better get a move on if I don't want to miss out on this incredible deal: If I keel over in the next eight weeks, Zach will get a whopping $1,923 a month.

Beginning in 2033, that is.

Thank you, federal government, for this little actuarial valentine.

I hope you won't be too offended if I decline.